What parent doesn’t have a goal to raise their children better or certainly differently than their own parents had raised them? Better in the ways we each think matter.
Many of us started our parenthood journey with the book What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Some of us started even before that, prepping our bodies to be fertile receivers and adept builders of the life we hoped to spark into being
Parenting is not immune from fads. Some decades we have been told to ignore our infants’ cries so as not to spoil them. Other decades we are told to wear them on our bodies and sleep with them in our beds so they can feel safe and secure.
A number of years ago I was introduced to the work of Shefali Tsabary.
I picked up her book The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering our Children. She has shared her insights in many venues including TED talks and Oprah’s show.
What I like about her work is that it turned some of my ‘unconscious parenting’ on its head.
For example, I remember asking my girls when they got into the car after a day at preschool: “Did everybody like your hairdo? Or your dress? Or your [fill in the blank]?”
Now I think: "Who cares?’ Do YOU like your hairdo and your dress and your [fill in the blank]?!”
Their dad and I did like to ask them if they were proud of themselves versus us exclaiming our pride. We thought it would be more empowering for them to claim ownership over and value their own successes. Although now I don’t object to letting them know I also am proud of them.
In a conversation with Oprah, Tsabary says:
“A mother…only longs for the best for her child. But beneath the longing are the chains of an expectation. Slapped onto her child is a desire completely coming from (mother’s) state of lack from her (own) childhood.“
This is what psychologists call a ‘projection’. The child may have no interest herself, but gets pushed along by an unconscious parent who is trying to fulfil her own unmet needs or desires.
In these times, where I think we’ve taken the beauty of attachment parenting too far and too long into what we call helicopter parenting, I appreciate Tsabury’s insights.
In a nutshell, she doesn’t want us living vicariously through our children. If we wanted to be a ballerina we are to go sign up for an adult ballet class and not push our children into tutus and leotards that they hate. We give our children some breathing room.
If we realize we are incredibly irritated by our children’s ‘willfulness’ (autonomy), it’s time for us to take a look at the parts of ourselves that we set down due to the shaming, controlling, or ‘guidance’ of our families. We can explore these parts and pursue our own dreams-claim them.
Ultimately, we are here to support our children not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually —to discover their gifts and talents, passions and interests. We role model it ourselves and we encourage our children to claim, explore and develop their own thereby living a fulfilled life. This is the best gift a parent can guide their child towards. This is the ‘best’ for them —for which we ought to long.
