Who among us doesn’t have something to gain by fine tuning our communication skills? Human relationships are messy and rife with miscommunications and misunderstandings.
Each of us has our own history full of experiences that influence how we now filter everything coming our way.
For example, Jenny had an upsetting incident as a child being blamed for taking her Auntie’s wallet, which she hadn’t. She felt powerless to defend herself and never got an apology when it was found on the car floor. Since then she has been very sensitive and prone to hearing accusations where there are none. These filters can turn innocent conversations into messy and frustrating entanglements.
There are loads of different communication courses and formulas. I came across one recently that seems to distill things down to the foundational level.
We may be familiar with “I statements,” such as “I feel this when you do that.” For example, “I feel hurt when you don’t greet me as I walk into the house.”
The idea behind these “I statements” is to avoid causing defensiveness in the listener. Most of us get our backs up when someone approaches us with a “YOU should have said 'Hello.'” Nobody likes to be "should" upon.
Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) takes things deeper, to what he believes is the root of the problem: a need in us that has gone unmet. Needs are basic to all humans and his list includes a sense of belonging, autonomy, authenticity and empathy.
He encourages us to notice when we’re having an unpleasant feeling and to take responsibility for it, rather than lashing out and blaming someone. Using the unpleasant feeling as an "indicator light" that something is amiss, we begin reflecting on which of our basic human needs is unmet.
Once we recognize our unmet need, we can formulate a request — as opposed to a demand — to our fellow human in an attempt to get our need met. For example, “I feel hurt when I get home and don’t receive a hello because I need to feel that I am valued. I was wondering if you would be willing to say hello when you realize I’m home.”
There are many times when the need can be met by ourselves. Sometimes we realize we are tired and need to rest, or disappointed about something and we need to allow ourselves to feel that disappointment with compassion.
This focus on compassion brings in a subtle but powerful distinction if our ultimate goal is peaceful and loving relationships. We are communicating honestly and responsibly with the intent to have clarity, respect and connection.
When we treat ourselves with compassion, we find a willingness to be compassionate towards others as well. When we acknowledge we have needs and are willing to take care of them, there comes a humility and an expansion of our hearts toward others who may be struggling.
Sometimes we may find ourselves igniting a fight to let off some steam. In this case, we know we have missed a step. We forgot to trace back our unpleasant feeling to the need beneath it that is unmet and requires our attention. We are responsible to notice our "indicator lights" and attend to the unmet need it is alerting us to.
Like so many things in life, this is simple, but not easy.
