We've all been there. It's the start of another new year, which means another chance at a new you. "I'm going to be a better person, starting right now," we all say, pledging to exercise, eat better and save money, while quitting smoking and drinking.
A day later, nothing has changed. What's worse is we feel like schmucks for it. We just don't have the willpower, the stick-to-it-iveness, the very resolve to make everlasting changes. Hope returns to hopelessness anew.
Don't despair, says Laurel Vespi, the local personal growth expert, certified life coach and motivational speaker with Stone Circle Coaching, and author of self-help psychology books.
Failing to make that lasting positive change isn't necessarily because you aren't putting your mind to it. It's that you aren't putting mindfulness to it.
She once said, "New year's resolutions can sometimes be the kiss of death for people." Now, she's encouraging everyone, especially those who are trying to make meaningful resolutions, to make mindfulness a daily habit.
She starts by saying that, historically, people abandon their resolutions by about the middle of February.
"Why does that happen? There's lots of different reasons. Research is suggesting that it takes at least 66 days in order to create a habit. It could take up to eight months. This idea that we can form a new habit in 21 days, 30 days, doesn't really bear out."
"That's a long time. Couple that with the hyper-distractable world that we live in and that people are crazy busy, overly committed. In that, it's really easy to lose your focus. No wonder people can't make the changes that they want. That's where mindfulness really comes in … helping people not go back on autopilot."
Autopilot, she continues, means that we just continue doing whatever it is we've always done. It's just our brain's way of being efficient. Mindfulness, if it works, is definitely more appealing.
"More and more there's interest in mindfulness. Everyone's colouring now," she joked, referring to the recent fad of colouring books as a form of meditation for adults.
"If we can begin to bring ourselves back into focus momentarily, now I have a greater chance of saying, 'I'm going to choose this rather than choose that.' If I can do that on a daily basis, I have a much greater chance of sticking with it for the 66 days."
Still, if you can just make it to that magic milestone then you're home free, right?
"Of course, it depends on the habit and on the person. The closer the habit is to something that you already do, so it's not that big of a change for you, obviously it takes less time. If it's a bigger change then it takes more time."
The method
It all begins, Vespi said, at the beginning of your day.
"Most of us start our day with our alarm going off and jumping out of bed, hitting the floor running. Instead of doing that, if before we even put our feet on the floor, we take a couple of moments to just breathe and direct our attention to, 'Okay, what is the most important thing today?' And I don't mean the hierarchy of our to-do lists."
She uses the example of someone who has a traditional new year's resolution to get in shape, lose weight, or take care of themselves better in some way.
"Before you even put your feet on the floor, take a moment or two to remind yourself: 'the most important thing (that I have said is the change I want to create this year) is to do this.' Why is that important? In doing that, we've refocused ourselves. If we don't do that, it might not be till 5 o'clock that I remember it."
She also recommends ending your day with the same mantra.
"Usually we fall into bed and we're laying there thinking about all of the things we didn't get done, all the things we still have to do tomorrow. If we can end our day with a moment or two of conscious awareness, we refocus [on the most important thing]. And then we take that into our sleep as opposed to taking our to-do list or our worries into our sleep."
Putting it into practice
Marilyn Flieger and Barbara Fjeldberg are two of Vespi's clients, each trying to become more mindful to live better lives.
"It's a daily practice," Flieger explained. "When I first started working with Laurel, it was something that I thought I check off my list and say, 'Yup, I've done it. I'm mindful now.' That's not really how it works. I try to infuse it into everything I do."
She said that mindfulness and being present in the moment allows her to make more conscious decisions and to act with intention. It allows her to recognize the point where she makes choices about her actions. Instead of making a new year's resolution on Jan. 1, she resolves to follow her intentions every day.
"I use guiding principles and values in my life. I use those rather than a new year's resolution. I say, 'Okay, I've reached my decision point. Now what am I going to do?' It's just action in alignment with my values and my guiding principles."
Before Vespi came along, she had little to no success in setting goals and resolutions.
"I think a lot of people struggle with it too: you feel like your mind is in control. A thought pops in your head and you can chase it all day. It can drive you crazy. Where the use of mindfulness gives you the opportunity to take a breath and say, 'Wait a minute. Is this what I want to focus my attention on and who I want to be when I'm making these decisions?'"
Fjeldberg used to struggle more too.
"I would be really regimented with it: I'm going to lose so much weight; I'm going to exercise this; I'm going to budget. That kind of thing. I used to have really concrete (plans): 'This is what I want to do.'"
In these last few years of working on her own mindfulness, she has shifted her thoughts and actions with more success.
"I still have my goals, but my goals are more intentions. An intention for the day is 'I want to be as healthy as I can possibly be' so in order to do that, I need to exercise a certain amount. I need to eat as healthy as possible," she continued. "I changed into more of a whole picture and I've approached it that way. 'What can I do every day instead of setting it up and then going and messing it up, blowing the whole thing. I haven't done this and this and this today. Because life comes up."
Her resolutions are simple and she keeps coming back to them as her day goes on.
"What I do is I say in the morning 'What can I do to have the healthiest day possible?' Throughout the day, I just bring myself back to that. 'Okay, so I can't do this or maybe I can't fit this in today. What can I do to make the healthiest choice?' I keep bringing myself back to my original intention."
That kind of constant reminder offers a stabilizing element when she finds herself with the choice between her autopilot's routine and those behaviours she is trying to model towards.
There are other side benefits too.
"Through mindfulness and being more grounded, it almost makes you more conscious of a lot of things in your life so you feel a lot more gratitude, more compassion," Flieger ended.
