Whether it’s Monday evening or Tuesday morning, most of us will spend some time in the next few days tearing open presents with great zeal and affection. We would be remiss if we did not, in the sprit of the season, offer our own wishes for Christmas.
To the country’s beleaguered NHL players, toiling since the fall with no work as they and the league owners try to figure out how to equitably divide billions of dollars, we give a copy of Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher. Remember — there’s no I in team (but there is in “gimmee, gimmee, gimmee”).
To St. Albert’s dog population, facing the prospect of mandatory leashing pretty much everywhere in the city for the first time, and who will be able to watch cats still roam the streets free of supervision and restraint, we offer more dog food. Because when has a dog ever said no to more dog food?
To the Stephen Harper government, still reeling from reports their math was … gasp … wrong when it came to single-sourcing the F-35 fighter acquisition, please accept our gift of 10 squadrons of Air Hog remote-control helicopters. They cost less than a hundred dollars each (depending on how many you buy at once), but with maintenance and replacement costs, will total $46 billion. Unless Australia cancels its order. Then they will cost $50 billion. Please budget accordingly.
To the taxpayers of St. Albert, we offer a special medication that will help you forget how angry you are about paying so much more in property taxes.
To Coun. Len Bracko, St. Albert’s tireless supporter of public transit and the drive behind a future LRT line, we offer the gift of immortality so that, come 2050 when our LRT line potentially opens, you will still be around to ride its first train.
To St. Albert Transit, so often facing criticism for running almost-empty buses through the city’s residential streets, we present 500 mannequins, similar to those used by drivers in the United States to flout carpool lane passenger restrictions, to help give the appearance of consistent ridership. Please don’t dress them all in bus driver uniforms or people will catch on.
To the City of Edmonton and Daryl Katz, dancing so awkwardly together to build a new NHL rink, we offer the use of Northstar Hyundai Arena at Servus Credit Union Place. It only seats 2,023 people and only features a half-dozen bathrooms, but Servus Place needs the money to pay for its expansion.
To city manager Patrick Draper, we present an “I live in St. Albert” T-shirt. You need only point to it whenever Coun. Cam MacKay states that “You’re new here.”
To the students of the Capital region, we present you with your very own zero, because it’s probably the only time in your mandatory education you will receive one.
To Guy Boston, executive director of economic development for St. Albert, we offer up your very own economic analyst. We think that good little boys should get what they ask for, even at budget time, not the sales co-ordinator seven members of council think you should have instead.
To our member of Parliament Brent Rathgeber, please accept one hotline telephone that connects directly to the Gazette newsroom. All you have to do is pick up the receiver. At least then you can say you tried.
There are many more gifts we would love to offer but instead wish everyone in our great city the best possible Christmas they can have, full of the presents you want, but more importantly, the gifts you all deserve.
