Rogue One: the fanboy vs. the critic

It's impossible to do a proper review of any Star Wars movie for many reasons: the pop culture influence of the series, the rabid fan base, the ever-expanding storyline that means one must have a War and Peace appetite for characters and plot.

If a proper review is impossible then I give you two possible yet improper reviews, both as spoiler-free as I can muster. Take whichever one suits you best. May The Force be with you.

The fanboy's perspective: The Force is Reawakened

You want a new hope, well you got it. Director Gareth Edwards found a way to capture much of the sense of those first movies that started nearly 40 years ago. There are characters up against brutal odds. There are aliens and fantastic worlds and great ships and blue milk and droids and all of that stuff. There is also that nostalgic sense of The Force and how believing in something can make it real. And there are some familiar faces just to remind you where this one leads to as well.

Edwards' proficiency is also demonstrated with some poetic touches that do so very much to lend that all-too-important air of authenticity to the proceedings. J.J. Abrams caught on to that after the fiasco of CG characters and scenes practically ruined everything special about that universe. Here, we maintain Abrams' sensibility with a lot of mostly practical effects that don't come across as too FX-y, if you know what I mean.

The main criticisms here are that perhaps there's just a bit too much exposition that makes the movie feel at least 50 per cent longer than it actually is at already a sizeable two-and-a-quarter hours. It sure could have been tightened up a bit. I was certain that we had passed the 2:30 mark even before that extensive and wonderful climactic battle sequence began to end it off.

The critic's perspective: The Phantom's Menace

A critic has to take a big picture look at things and so I'll praise the international cast and the female lead, all of which are deeply important in a contemporary blockbuster. No more all-Caucasian heroes. No more of George Lucas taking badass Princess Leia and slowly turning her into a simpering lovelorn sideshow as he did in Episodes IV thru VI. The Force Awakens ended that and Rogue One continues this new and wonderful tradition.

But remember how I said that there were some familiar faces? This movie is meant to depict the events that lead us straight into the first scene of A New Hope, and so there are a few of those characters that play parts in this film too. In fact, they are played by the very same actors. What I mean is that these are the actual actors from the 1970s. Those young faces are back on screen, which is unusual to some degree, but could be effective if they didn't look like animated brown paper bags with faces drawn on them. Ouch. Remember when Lucas remade the originals and inserted in a CG Jabba the Hutt slithering around as he talked to Han Solo? Think of that, except somehow worse. I cannot say more.

And remember that criticism about the exposition? Honestly, this movie was long. So long. Co-writers Chris Weitz and Tony Gilroy don't exactly have great track records for tight scripts with plots so zesty that you forget to look at your watch. I put most of the poor result here on Gilroy. He wrote four Jason Bourne movies that basically were indistinguishable from each other in my mind. Our reluctant heroine Jyn Erso (Felicity Jones) faces one damned thing endlessly after another in order to accomplish her mission. It was like National Lampoon's Vacation, except with laser blasters.

Overall, I had a bad feeling about it. Rogue One tries too hard to look like it isn't trying too hard. The characters didn't have much for character. The modicum of warmth, humanity and comic relief came from a robot. Lastly, I would be hard pressed to describe the storyline without Coles Notes to guide me.

If you came for a story about unlikely heroes, you'll still be satisfied but you'll have to find it in this dense meteor shower first.