An ensemble cast of several incredibly likeable actors working with a seemingly compelling spec script has turned into a snoozefest the likes of which should catch the attention of sleeping pill manufacturers everywhere.
Red is about a separated gang of retired CIA black ops agents who have, for some inexplicable reason, been put on a death list.
Willis plays Frank Moses, a retired and extremely dangerous agent (RED) who knows how to kick butt, even when he is disturbed in the middle of the night by masked and armed assassins. Wearing his housecoat, he is as lethal as Chuck Norris wearing a moustache. Moses figures that something is awry so he seeks out his old partner Joe Matheson (Morgan Freeman) for help. The problem is that Matheson has end stage liver cancer and is trying to derive the last ounces of pleasure in his life at some placid rest home. For a pretty sick dude, he seems pretty happy. Together they recruit the assistance of crazy Marvin Boggs (John Malkovich) and sexy markswoman Victoria (Helen Mirren) to get to the bottom of the dire situation, all the while dragging along Moses’ long distance girlfriend, Sarah Ross (Mary-Louise Parker). He’s never met her but he loves her like nobody’s business. Hey, it could happen.
Does any of that above scenario sound like a slightly shifted A-Team? A ragtag band of elite warriors gets the tables turned on it and must fight its way back to justice in the best and really only way that they know how — subterfuge, espionage and wardrobe changes. Red is a ridiculous entertainment derivative, an attempt to pit star power against credibility in the hopes the former would win and audiences would sway to the blinding light. It’s really just sad how so many big names came to this gig only to discover that it actually isn’t so much a blockbuster as it is a dog and pony show.
Not that it fails on all levels, though. Each of the characters is likeable, even if they had zero chemistry. Freeman tried hard enough to build it, but he might as well have been exuding warmth towards the North Pole. It was like witnessing a scientific miracle for how it demonstrated the absence of energy. The humour had moments of being really dry like a nice martini but the audience gets only tiny sips before it’s yanked away. The amateurish directing and unpolished script made for many wasted opportunities and a metric tonne of bores. Seeing Mirren shooting a minigun endlessly while wearing a gorgeous fur coat is a good start but that’s about all her character is good for. The same could be said for most of the others. It’s nice to see Ernest Borgnine still working, even if he just has a handful of lines to get through.
It’s an awful realization that so much could have been achieved with Red but it all just ended up as wasted opportunity. It is a fine reminder that you can’t judge a movie by its trailer: that one-minute commercial, while brief, contains 99 per cent of the film’s joy. Sadly, there is probably a compelling argument that Jackass 3D, while mendacious, might be vastly more entertaining.
