Immortals not likely to achieve longevity

Mythology makes for powerful storytelling so it’s easy to fall for the great myths of yore. Tales of goddesses and gods, all with supernatural abilities, living atop colossal mountains as they control, or at least interfere with, the fate of humankind.

Throw in a little ‘sword and sandals’ action and now you’ve got a movie that should appeal to both history lovers and the UFC crowd at the same time.

Immortals tried to be just that movie. It’s a mixed breed that sought to improve upon all of the many failures of the updated version of Clash of the Titans with the added benefit of 300-style fight sequences and vainglory. All of this took place under the helm of Tarsem Singh, the visionary director who brought the simultaneously compelling and disturbing The Cell into the world.

In this imaginative telling of what must certainly be a fictional Greek myth, the Heraklion King of Crete named Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) declares war on the gods of Mount Olympus, but can only win with a hidden weapon called the Epirus Bow. He plans to use it to release the Titans that can destroy the gods.

In his quest for this object, he kidnaps a psychic virgin named Phaedra (Freida Pinto) before storming through a small village. That’s where Theseus (Henry Cavill) lives with his mother. Theseus has been taught how to fight by an old man (played by John Hurt), who is actually Zeus in disguise.

Seeing Hyperion’s wrath, but maintaining a stance of non-interference, Zeus (Luke Evans) tells the other gods (including Poseidon, Athena, Apollo, and Heracles) to stand back until the Titans actually are set loose. They don’t really heed his instructions as they find ways to help the mortals battle the rapscallion hell-bent on payback.

The whole movie is really just a build up to the big battle royale at the end when Theseus must face Hyperion for the destruction he has caused, including the murder of his mother. While burying her, Theseus luckily discovers the famed bow, thus giving him a slight advantage in the ensuing conflict, but also ensuring the showdown will come to him as Hyperion hunts down the weapon.

Honestly, it goes on and on like a soap opera full of saturated colours and wooden acting. Tarsem might be well known for his rich imagery, his gorgeous production values and the intensely imaginative universes that he brings to life through cinema, but Immortals was not that interesting otherwise. It was a mostly pointless exercise in set design, another method of justifying the work of foley artists.

Furthermore, the costumes were ridiculous with soldiers wearing helmets that looked like cheap Halloween costume gear spray-painted gold. Does it matter how many crunches Cavill did to get his epic six-pack? It doesn’t make him any more of an actor.

It’s better than the new Clash, but not quite as glossy and fantastic as 300. I wouldn’t consider this a complete waste of time, however, because it really is a feast for the eyes. Just don’t expect this missed myth to nourish your soul.