Hockey flick drops the gloves … and the ball

It’s a matter of colossal cultural irony that this ‘comedy’ comes out at a time when so many people in sports are dismayed with how violence is causing concussions and permanent brain injuries. I don’t imagine Sidney Crosby would find it funny, but then again, he’s probably not really in the target audience. I can’t imagine how the target audience would find it funny either.

Goon is strictly for hockey fans who come from the Don Cherry camp, where fists are just as important to the game as pucks. In this Canadian-made production, there’s a player who comes to a team with pugilism as his only skill. Nice guy Doug Glatt (Seann William Scott) can’t even skate but his job as a bouncer has provided him with ample opportunity to train as a tough guy.

Glatt starts off despondent that he doesn’t have anything special going for him. His dad (Eugene Levy) is a doctor and his best friend Ryan (Jay Baruchel) has his own public access television show. While watching a minor league game, Doug ends up fighting a player in the stands and Ryan captures all of the action on tape.

This leads to Doug getting noticed by the home team’s coach who puts him on the roster, despite the fact that he can barely stand up on the ice wearing his white figure skates. Every team needs an enforcer, the philosophy goes, and no one can stop Doug. He quickly moves up to a farm team in Halifax, one step away from the majors where Ross Rhea (Liev Schreiber) waits.

Rhea is the league’s heavy, a 40-year-old career enforcer who is one step away from retirement, but he wants just one last big fight before he goes out. This is the entire plot of Goon: a long and prolonged setup to this boxing match on ice.

Honestly, if this is a comedy (as it’s intended to be) then it does a pretty poor job. Doug is a dim but sweet guy who is just trying to make his way and his name in the world … by beating people up. That’s not really a good lesson for today’s wayward youth. Once he’s given this one chance at success after a short lifetime of failures, he starts to dream big, thinking that he can actually score a goal if he puts his mind to it.

How did this film not put Hit Somebody (The Hockey Song) by Warren Zevon on the soundtrack? Goon is a very basic story idea fully realized. It puts a good guy in a situation where he should excel except that situation is nothing that furthers humanity in any way.

He’s a gladiator, a simpleton with low intelligence and good manners combined with a steel fist and a granite skull. This man only exists for one reason: to punch while protecting more important people.

It’s just too bad that Goon itself lacks any punch. It shows precious little humour, remarkably offensive minor characters and even less humanity. Just as Doug only has one real talent in his life, it seems unlikely that Scott could portray any other kind of character. They’re both one-note wonders, a compelling reason why Goon is so atonal.

Hockey itself has more character development, even when the home team hardly ever wins.