Heist flick a monumental snoozefest

An aging doorman, nearing retirement, plans to move to warmer climes within a few months. A younger man anxiously awaits the birth of his first child. A Russian woman studies diligently to pass the American bar exam and become a lawyer. A Jamaican landed immigrant is desperate to find a man to marry so she can stay in the country.

These are just a few of the people in the warm, extended community of employees at an exclusive luxury high-rise apartment building located next to Central Park in New York. They’re all also the victims of an elaborate ruse perpetrated by a smiling villain in Tower Heist.

Among all of the socialites and wealthy people of dubious moralities who live in the building, there is but one person who takes the cake … figuratively. Arthur Shaw (Alan Alda) is a prominent fund manager who is accused of running a Ponzi scheme and bilking many people out of many millions of dollars. Right in the middle of the financial catastrophe are all of the aforementioned employees whose pension accounts were reduced to nothingness at the hands of the notorious securities fraudster.

With nothing left to lose, they decide to take it back. Shaw socked away $20 million somewhere and building manager Josh Kovacs (Ben Stiller) figures he knows where it is. He gathers a small yet incredibly inept team that includes his brother-in-law and tower concierge Charlie (Casey Affleck), bellhop Dev’reaux (Michael PeĹ„a) and a recently evicted resident named Mr. Fitzhugh (Matthew Broderick). A good example of the group’s witlessness is when Dev’reaux is sent to buy ski masks. He returns with toques, complete with pom-poms and dangling tassles but no face coverage.

Since these blue-collar guys are entirely unfamiliar with the world of white collar crime, they bring in a neighbourhood crook named Slide (Eddie Murphy) to show them the ropes. Maid Odessa (Gabourey Sidibe) rounds out the motley crew as the deus ex machina safecracker.

How could this movie go wrong? It’s only been a few years since the economic downturn and Bernie Madoff made headlines. Heck, it’s only been a couple of months since Occupy Wall Street set up shop to protest the inequities of the financial world. Greece is bankrupt. The Euro is under scrutiny. Practically 99 per cent of the planet’s seven billion residents are under the thumb of a bank in one way or another. Tower Heist is about taking back what is rightly yours from a first class heartless scumbag.

With Tower Heist’s highlight reel trailer and comedy superstar ensemble cast (including funnymen Stiller, Murphy, Broderick and Alda), you’d think that there should at least be a few laughs. Sadly, it’s about as interesting as watching someone pick their teeth and examine the residue on the toothpick. Director Brett Ratner has had hits before but there was just nothing in this bland ham-handed drivel to draw any of my interest. I was just a prisoner passenger taken for a too-long ride.

I think we’ve all been swindled.