November is Family Violence Prevention Month, a time when the spotlight of domestic abuse shines brightest. In recognizing the many tools needed to stop abuse, on Nov. 1 the provincial government announced an plan to inject $10 million into women’s shelters and sexual assault centres.
Nancy Nance is a successful author, blogger and public speaker. However, she could have used some of that support in her combative 25-year marriage to Terry, a man addicted to gambling, alcohol and drugs.
The dysfunctional marriage broke apart following a horrific tragedy. After more than a decade of healing, the former Sturgeon County resident has written Choose Joy, A Survivor’s Guide for Hope.
The memoir, filled with raw, uncensored thoughts and emotions, is based on personal experiences during those chaotic years. Additionally, it is the story of a broken woman who went through hell and grief and discovered peace, compassion and forgiveness.
“My intent in writing this book was to move forward and allow others to see when we heal, we change the generational trauma of an entire family,” said Nance.
Virtually every chapter provides a dark glimpse into what outwardly appeared to be a successful, happy family. One narrative takes place on Christmas Day when Terry goes on a three-day bender instead of spending time with his five children. In another account, he drops off Nance at a hospital to give birth and disappears for two days before returning for his wife and son.
When Terry wasn’t on a bender, daily life was filled with verbal abuse, physical abuse, neglect, humiliation, shame and embarrassment at the never-ending lies and distortions.
While life with Terry was “like walking on eggshells,” another, more horrific, event shattered the family's sense of normalcy. Her 10-year-old daughter Emily was killed during a summer vacation on Okanagan Lake.
She was riding a Waverunner operated by her older brother Jarrett. The duo was struck by a six-metre boat that suddenly turned. Emily was killed instantly. Jarrett was injured and taken to hospital. To this day, he still deals with ongoing knee, shoulder and neck pain. Charges were never laid.
Within a year, Nance and Terry’s dysfunctional relationship crumbled from irreconcilable differences. Terry moved on to another woman dubbed the “Gold Digger,” while Nance was left to pick up the pieces and provide support to her four sons.
Throughout the memoir, I kept asking myself, “Why does she stay with this creep if he treats her so badly?” During our interview I asked that question.
“I made a choice to marry someone I thought I could fix,” said Nance. “I met him at a mixed slow-pitch tournament. He was charismatic, successful and extremely generous. He was sponsoring the team, and his generosity was a huge part of what attracted me to him.”
At the time, Terry was the sole proprietor of a Bobcat, truck and trailer operation that worked with the construction industry. He specialized in concrete work and excavation and was hired by developers.
“I didn’t see any red flags. I didn’t see the addiction. I didn’t see the aggression. I didn’t see the excesses until it was too late,” Nance said. “Being married provided an anchor for Terry. And although my family loved him, his family loved him, he never sought continuous counselling. It takes a lot of work to stay in recovery.”
On the outside, the family looked like the perfect package. They lived in an 8,000 square foot luxury estate in Manor View Crescent. But the couple also carried a massive debt load with a high mortgage they could barely afford.
In the memoir, Nance writes, “Groceries were removed from the till when the chequing account was again overdrawn. The cashier huffed and puffed as I chose what to remove. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Not all the bills could be paid, and each month I decided what needed to be prioritized.”
As I read more graphic details, I kept asking myself why she didn’t leave.
“It was a belief I couldn’t do it on my own, and I didn’t reach out for help. I did not know help was available. And that’s why I advocate so much.”
Now a life coach, Nance operates Recover Your Joy, a YouTube podcast. She is also hosting a Choose Joy book signing at The Bookstore on Perron, Saturday, Nov. 9.
