For many of us, Christmas is a celebration of joy, togetherness and peace. However, for people living with domestic abuse, it’s a period of anxiety, fear and isolation.
According to the St. Albert Domestic and Sexual Violence Community Response Committee, 96 per cent of abuse is caused by men. And if a gun is in the house, a woman is six times more likely to be murdered.
“Some are intimidated through veiled threats, and provincial services often contribute to family and parental alienation. We see women overwhelmed by fear and terror. They fear the loss of their children. They live in constant fear. It is devastating,” said Roxane Tiessen of the Saffron Sexual Assault Centre and a member of the community response committee.
Christmas intensifies domestic abuse for various reasons. Financial pressure is a primary factor. Costs for gifts, food, decorations and social engagements can lead to higher levels of stress. It’s not uncommon for individuals filled with anger and resentment to engage in abusive behaviour to exert control over their families.
A second contributing factor is alcohol consumption, which tends to increase during Christmas. While alcohol is not the root cause, it lowers inhibitions and offenders are less likely to care about the consequences of violent behaviour.
Finally, the emphasis on family togetherness can isolate those trapped in abusive relations. Many are forced to endure limited access to family, thereby compounding the feelings of isolation and poor self-esteem.
“Abuse is about power. It’s about using power over one person whether it’s verbal, physical, economic, financial or technological. A person who uses power is trying to reshape their reality. Christmas brings extended family and friends together, and that causes pressure. The abuser may be afraid of an explosion at Christmas,” said Tuval Nafshi, Family and Community Support Services and a member of the community response committee.
Abusers will guilt-trip and manipulate their partners and make them responsible for organizing the perfect Christmas. And the abused partner will try to live up to an impossible standard of perfection, hoping it will lessen the abuse, especially on children.
The pressure to maintain appearances forces victims to suffer in silence. And the abuse resurfaces usually after Christmas.
“The parents don’t want to spoil the children’s Christmas and they delay it. There is more abuse after Christmas,” said Suzan Krecsy, also a member of the community response committee
She adds victims are usually unable to leave because of financial constraints. Many will seek assistance but then return to the abuser.
“We used to see them come in seven times before leaving the abuser," Krecsy said. "Now it’s 11. The economy plays a big part. But they live in fear and the stress of finding a new place, feeding their children and paying the bills. Some of them have said to me, ‘At least he pays the bills. I can take a punch here and there if he pays the bills.'”
Anyone who suspects a family member, neighbour or friend is in an abusive relationship can find a way to offer support.
“Listen to them. Be empathetic. Give them a glimmer of hope that someone cares,” said Tiessen.
Corrine Fawcett of Central Alberta Regional Victim Services said, “When people are down, point out one thing they’re strong at or a strength they have. When they’re spiralling, that’s what they need.”
According to the community response committee, well-wishers should avoid pushing and investigating too deeply. It is more helpful to give choices, share help-line documents without asking questions and asking them what they want.
Anyone in a life-threatening situation can call 911 at any time of day. An additional point of contact is a crisis line. The Family Violence Info Line is 780-310-1818, the Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-387-5437 and Kids Help Line is 1-800-668-6868.
