I was in Calgary during the royal visit of William and Kate and after their departure, the discussion turned to why the royal couple chose Calgary instead of Edmonton. Now, some contend that Calgary was chosen because the Stampede had just begun, but after exhaustive research, I’ve discovered the two real reasons for this decision.
First it was the overall condition of Edmonton’s roads that tipped the scales in Calgary’s favour. British security forces feared the royal entourage was likely to lose most of the motorcycle escorts during any parade as the drivers constantly swerved to miss the cracked pavement, broken asphalt and other miscellaneous caverns, canyons and crevices so prominent on our roadways. In addition, Edmonton tourism did not relish the idea of cameras rolling while tow truck drivers attempted to lift the royal limousine out of the 30-ft. pothole on Whyte Avenue.
Getting lost was also a very legitimate concern. One can just imagine the royal motorcade cruising along the Anthony Henday and eventually rolling into Dead Dog, Alberta, before someone realizes they’ve taken the wrong road. Speaking of the freeway we all love to hate, it seems to me that poetic justice has intervened in the naming of this motorway. For those of you who don’t know, Anthony Henday was an early explorer of Western Canada, especially Alberta. This was long before the days of automobiles and Henday embarked on numerous explorations, journeys lasting weeks (if not months) on end, where there were no clear paths to follow, no maps, no signs and danger was a constant companion. In fact, Henday would often start out not knowing where he was going and when he did find his destination, he didn’t know where he was. When he finally got back to Edmonton, he didn’t know where he’d been. In so many ways, a modern trip on our new Anthony Henday mirrors the travels that the original explorer undertook. Buckingham Palace also feared the cost of repairing the royal limo. I understand their concern, as my mechanic’s personal net worth continues to skyrocket on a daily basis, as he is constantly replacing the shocks, springs, tires and transmissions that keep falling off my car as I drive the streets of Edmonton. I know he had planned to use this new wealth to buy a vehicle capable of withstanding the harsh conditions of our roads, but Germany is apparently no longer producing its famed 60-ton Tiger tank.
The second main factor was the fear of an attack on the royal couple. Now, before you start worrying about terrorists, remain calm. Humans are not involved in this plot. Rather the danger comes from the trillions of mosquitoes currently attacking the city. Edmonton tourism was again concerned, as they imagined photos of the royal couple disappearing into a black cloud, and reappearing minus legs, arms or other body parts. The situation is so bad that my neighbour began releasing poison gas in his backyard. While the bug population didn’t decline, the cats on our block started losing their fur and there seemed to be far fewer dogs every day. Still, if it were only cats and dogs, I would have encouraged him to continue. However, there is now a muskrat in Lacombe Park Lake that is roughly the size of an adult male hippopotamus. Meanwhile, my doctor has ordered me to stop donating blood until the start of winter. She believes I’m already losing about a quart each day to these winged assassins.
Brian McLeod is busy desperately trying to teach the six-ton muskrat in Lacombe Park Lake to start dining on mosquitoes.
