A few months ago, my wife gave me one of these smart phones as a birthday present. At least, I think it’s a smart phone. It doesn’t actually say ‘smart phone’ anywhere on the device, but it is the latest version of the cellphone from Apple, and given Apple’s income statement, if they aren’t smart, then I don’t know who is.
As I started to unwrap the phone and look at all the manuals and accessories, I quickly began to fear that this technology was simply too advanced for me to master. However, my son-in-law was also at my birthday, so he managed to get everything up and running for me. Last month in this column, I mentioned I had recently bought a new car, and again I was lucky, as the salesman linked up my smart phone with my car (which I suspect is also a smart car), so everything was ready to go.
Looking at the phone’s menu, I discovered that it’s a lot more than just a phone. It’s also a camera, a calendar, a web browser, a clock, a games centre, a music store, a weather station, and it both sends and receives emails and text messages, and of course, telephone calls. Further exploration lead me to also find maps, videos, notes, a newsstand, a place to put all the photos I could take with its camera feature, and a remote controlled bomb detonator.
Initially, I’ve got to admit I was somewhat intimidated with the phone, as there seemed to be so much to learn, and most of the manuals used a lot of acronyms I didn’t understand. Still, I pressed on and after having learned a few features, I grew confident that, with time, I could learn everything about the phone. Unfortunately, that was also precisely the time someone pointed out all the ‘apps’ available to download.
My confidence was shattered. It was suggested that there could be more than a million apps in existence, but my friend wasn’t sure. He knew there was an app that counted how many apps there were, but he hadn’t found that one yet. He did have another app that was out searching for the app counter app, but he was still waiting.
I’m sure some of these apps are very useful, but one has to be selective. I did download an app that was designed to give me the names of people who were also born on my birthday. However, what I failed to take into account was that fact that 18.7 million people in the world also have my birthday. I burned out four replacement batteries before the download was complete.
I tried another app that promised it could find me restaurants that specialized in fine English cooking, but I don’t think it works, as the program has been running now for two weeks, and I still don’t have any restaurants listed. Another app turned out to be totally worthless. It promoted itself as “the comprehensive tourist guide to the city of Calgary.” However, when I asked it to show me the single most beautiful site in Calgary, all it displayed was a road sign showing ‘Exit to Edmonton.’
By this time, my cellphone had ‘gone rogue’ and (unknown to me) was downloading apps that the phone wanted. It obviously got into some human mental evaluation software, as the phone now flashes “You are an idiot” at me every hour, on the hour.
Brian was appalled to discover that no app exists for tracking down local liquor stores that specialize in 18-year-old scotch – the one app everyone needs.
