With the London Olympics rapidly approaching, I was thinking about the intensive training and practice these athletes endure, often for years, in pursuit of Olympic glory and fame, both for their nation and for themselves.
Now, I am all in favour of getting some international fame and glory, but the thought of having to work, and work hard, for years to prepare for an event makes the whole idea unattractive. Fortunately, I’ve found other international sporting events that require little or no preparation, so I evaluated numerous contests in order to determine the event that offers me the most glory with the least amount of work. I’ve narrowed my search to the following four possibilities:
1. International Staring Championship. This contest, first held in 2002, comes with an impressive list of rules and regulations and a comprehensive library of methods and practices to help improve your performance. Initially, I considered myself to be ideally suited for this kind of contest and dreams of a ticker tape parade came quickly to mind. However, while the winner does receive a gold medal, no cash is offered for the successful participant, so I’ve had to consider other options.
2. International Paper Airplane Throwing Championship. Held annually in a large aircraft hangar in Vienna, Austria, this contest has attracted sponsorship from none other than Red Bull, a fact that allows the organizers to offer both medals and money. Because money is offered as part of the winner’s rewards, I was immediately interested in this championship. I imagine that virtually everyone in Canada has made paper airplanes in the past, so my initial impression was that I could win this challenge hands down. Further research, however, indicated that winning may not be as easy as I had imagined. The current world record for the longest paper airplane flight (based on flight time rather than flight distance) is just under 12 seconds. Since my first prototype paper airplane crashed after less than one second of flight time, I decided that skill must be involved and I was therefore not qualified.
3. World Rock, Paper and Scissors Championship. When I discovered this sporting event, I was convinced it offered me everything on my wish list. The organizers had captured corporate sponsorship from Yahoo, which allowed the event to offer $10,000 for the first-place winner. Even better was the fact that medals were also offered, and, finally, it appeared that absolutely no skill, talent, effort, work, practice, training, or physical or mental ability was required. This list so perfectly matched my own characteristics, it was almost too good to be true. Well, in fact, it was. After reading that numerous participants have been injured over the years (sore arms, sore elbows, to name a few), my search continued.
4. World Pooh Sticks Content. When I first found this championship series, I had no idea what Pooh Sticks were or how they were used. Fortunately, the organization explained that the event was based on a story in the annals of Winnie the Pooh, where Winnie, in an obviously bored state of mind, had walked to a bridge, thrown a stick into the river underneath, and then determined how fast the stick floated down the river. The annual event attracts more than 2,000 contestants to the competition site in Oxfordshire, England. Even better, the Oxford Rotary Club sponsors this program, so money and medals were generously offered. Finally, I had my perfect event: rich prizes, absolutely no skill or talent required, and since participating only required that I drop a stick in a river, little chance of injury was involved.
I’m now entered for the 2013 contest, so wish me well!
Brian’s training routine includes daydreaming, napping and drinking no more than one beer a day. Right now, he’s working on the beer for November 17th, 2063.
