Warning: This article contains statements of both truth and fact. The readers’ feelings will not be spared.
The truth of the matter is that most daughters-in-law prefer to avoid their mothers-in-law. But don’t take it personally. That would be your first mistake.
Let’s look at the facts.
We live in a bilateral descent society. What does that mean? In North American marriages, both the mother and father’s sides are of equal importance in both emotional and financial matters. For example, inheritance is usually expected and granted in equal proportions to daughters and sons. Herein lies the reason why most mothers-in-law feel unjustly treated by their daughter-in-laws. They expect to be treated equally by their daughter-in-laws with respect to degrees of acknowledgement, trust, and access to children. But they’re not. As a result, they feel excluded and slighted.
If you want your daughter-in-law to love you, know that although our society values equality, there are a few exceptions and you’re it!
These exceptions are guarded with the utmost secrecy and never discussed. So let’s discuss them.
The first secret is that most women have a maternal bias deep within them such that they are more comfortable seeking the advice and kinship of their own mothers rather than that of their mothers-in-law.
The second secret is that all mothers love their sons and some mothers love their sons too much. Daughters-in-law sense this competition and resent it. When resentment builds, it unleashes itself somewhere, and it’s probably coming right at you.
When these two secrets combine, they manifest their dark emotional sides in a number of different ways.
First, daughters-in-law will often not acknowledge their mothers-in-law when they enter a room at family gatherings. The young wife waited her entire life to be the queen and she’s going to rise to the occasion. If you try to grab the spotlight at her family gatherings, there will be a backlash.
Second, a daughter-in-law will avoid asking for parental advice from the mother-in-law, making her feel alienated and disrespected. Your son’s wife doesn’t mean to exclude you; she is programmed from birth to draw upon her mother for emotional support and guidance more than anyone else in society, including you.
Don’t take any of this personally.
Like any bias, its roots run deep and are very difficult to extricate. So mothers-in-law, if you want your daughters-in-law to keep you in the family fold, try these simple tips:
Step back as the leading lady. Stop competing with the daughter-in-law for control and attention. You can’t win that fight.
Accept the fact that your son’s wife determines the level of grandparent involvement rather than yourself. Holding onto control is adding stress to an already stressful situation.
You are not married to your son. She is.
Daughters-in-law, you can do things to mitigate the hurt felt by the typical mother-in-law:
Put your fiance’s parents’ names on the wedding invitations.
Allow his parents time to get to know you.
Actively seek their advice. Ask them to decorate your first home!
Build trust from the beginning by acknowledging and valuing your husband’s kin. Realize that small incidents become magnified in their minds as they begin to feel vulnerable with each small and thoughtless gesture.
If your mother-in-law makes a big deal out of a small one, realize that it is a big deal; it’s a very big deal. Your ambivalence towards her is killing her. Make it stop. If you can sustain yourself through the pains of labour, you can learn to love your mother-in-law.
Sharon Ryan teaches ethics for UCLA Extension.
