As a general rule, I avoid making any New Year’s resolutions. While I freely admit to having dozens of bad habits that I should eliminate, and there are an even greater number of good habits that I should begin adopting, but the whole process sounds like way too much work. So instead I usually focus on telling others what they need to improve about themselves. I go to a lot of work marking down all their shortcomings, failures and inadequacies, and I also provide a comprehensive list of solutions so they can resolve these character defects.
It does surprise me how little thanks I get for all this work. I seldom ever receive a phone call from someone expressing appreciation, or even a modest thank you card. Yet the work has to be done, otherwise these defective human beings will never receive the feedback necessary for them to improve themselves. Normally I start this work in early October, as I have a lot of friends with a lot of faults. Starting in October ensures that my suggestions are ready to send on Jan. 1.
However, this past October, as I began to get busy with these reports, I realized that doing this work, this year, was a total waste of time. The reason was simple: numerous psychics, astrologists and conspiracy theorists had assured us that the end of the world was due on Dec. 21, as predicted by the “long calendars” developed by the Mayan civilization. To bring further credence to the prediction, scientists noted that Earth would be in alignment with the “galactic core” of the Milky Way Galaxy on Dec. 21. While I have no idea what this meant, it did strike me that a lot of smart scientists looked very, very worried and that was all the proof I needed. My feedback list for personal improvements was no longer required, because our planet was going to end 10 days before any New Year’s resolutions could be introduced.
As I gave further thought to this issue, it struck me that the end of the world provided a host of opportunities for improving my financial position, and this “once in a lifetime” event simply could not be ignored. For example, it became crystal clear to me that whatever balances I owed on my Visa and Mastercard credit cards would be of no importance come Jan. 15 when payment was due. There would be no one around to hassle me for payment. But this opportunity went well beyond just credit cards. I could finance a new Maserati, knowing full well that I would never have to make a payment. Luxury homes, yachts, furs and jewelry were additional examples of this golden opportunity to own every toy I ever wanted, and yet never make a payment.
But the possibilities were more than just financial. Here was my chance to tell every so-called friend, relative, previous boss, local politician, ex wife/girlfriends, or ungrateful children just exactly what I thought of them. There was now no reason to hold back. If I got to work on this opportunity, the last three months of 2012 could bring me more excitement than most men can even dream of in their lifetimes.
Finally, I also used the time to begin acquiring every costly bauble in existence. I know that Mastercard got worried when they saw my $17,000 purchase of mini doughnuts (I have a lot of neighbours) but they continued to honour every purchase.
Naturally, you can imagine my overwhelming disappointment when I awoke on Dec. 22 to discover the world had not ended. I prayed desperately, all day long, that there had just been a mix up, and global obliteration was simply behind schedule by a day. However, by Dec. 25, I accepted the horrible truth: the world had not ended, and was not likely to end any time soon.
Instead, I faced the reality that no previous acquaintances would ever speak to me again, while my bankers were busy assuring me that any possible parole date for me was going to be the day after the end of the world.
Brian wishes everyone a safe and prosperous new year.
