Dear Tom. Listen up. Your new movie M:I6 stinks

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REVIEW

Mission: Impossible – Fallout

Stars: 0.5

Starring Tom Cruise, Henry Cavill, Ving Rhames, Simon Pegg, Rebecca Ferguson, Sean Harris, Angela Bassett, Vanessa Kirby, Michelle Monaghan, Wes Bentley, Alec Baldwin, and Liang Yang

Written and Directed by Christopher McQuarrie

Rated: PG for violence, nightmarish imagery and coarse language

Runtime: 147 minutes

Now playing at Landmark Cinemas, Cineplex Odeon North Edmonton and Scotiabank Theatre

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to stay at home and enjoy a pleasant summer evening in your backyard. Read a book. Garden. Get an early start on planning your Thanksgiving. Do anything.

Even letting the mosquitoes drain all your blood would be a better use of time than sitting in the theatre to watch Tom Cruise superspy his way through another bewildering international caper. The sixth Mission: Impossible instalment is the most boring exciting movie I’ve ever watched. Perhaps I spoiled it for myself by watching the trailers but those things are usually meant to drum up support, not drown it out.

M:I – Fallout is practically a compilation of Tommy’s greatest stunts, and they’re all done to death. The story is somewhere on the sidelines as he runs and runs and runs by. Could someone please find a way to get his knees to send him a message from the future. They will certainly offer him a plea to stop his war on cartilage. Tom, if you’re listening, dress shoes are not appropriate footwear for running across concrete. You’re 54 now. Take some time off.

In this movie, Ethan Hunt (Cruise) fails to retrieve some nuclear components and they end up in the wrong hands. He and his perennial castmates Luther (Ving Rhames) and Benji (Simon Pegg) must retrieve them before it’s too late.

I’m sorry. I completely lost any enthusiasm for even describing the plot of the movie. Could you tell? How is that even possible? I’ve watched Tom skydive from impossible heights, climb a rope up to a helicopter in flight, then fly that helicopter in ways that even seasoned pilots would say is foolhardy, jump from buildings, drive a motorcycle dangerously fast and without a helmet, fistfight on the precipice of a crumbly cliff, and, worst of all, run-run-run in highly improper footwear. What’s next? Shark wrestling? Operating a Zamboni without the proper certification? Don’t you do it, Tom. Just don’t.

I think that it’s time that we all accept the modern reality: Tom Cruise is no longer an actor. He’s a stuntman with a script.

There. I’ve just saved you the price of admission and two-and-a-half hours of your life. Watch the trailer for free and be satisfied. It’s far more fun than watching Tom Cruise run, jump, swim, fight and ride through every prolonged action set piece just to get to the next one. This film reportedly cost more than $150 million (US) to make. If no one goes to see this, then perhaps the studio will instead offer funding to make 10 better movies. Who’s with me?

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About Author

Scott Hayes

Scott Hayes joined the St. Albert Gazette in 2008. Scott writes about the arts, entertainment, movies, culture, community groups, and charities. He also writes general news, features, columns and profiles on people.